If life gives you lemons make lemonade
Give someone the benefit of the doubt
Sometimes we run into the situation that we are not treated as well as we expect from others. In most cases, they do that unintentionally. We thus started to blame others and make a judgement on what kind of person they are. The perception and judgement will have a great influence on how we interact with those people in future. People know it when you have a negative attitude towards them. It is highly possible that the friction will grow which could cause larger damage of the relationship. While giving those people the benefit of the doubt is the first step of not taking it personally and giving a chance to build trust with them. What is more important, it prevents the vicious circle of the relationship from the very beginning.
When I just started a new job last year, some of my deliverables were not aligned with manager’s expectation. In our review session, I could sense his impatience and his tone was mixed up with accusing. I was offended and upset since I was new to the job and I was learning. Instead of defending myself and fighting back, I calmed down and took a step back. I told myself that it is crucial time to build trust with my manager especially in the beginning of taking a new job, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. In our next 1 on 1, I explained that there was a learning curve for me and I need positive reinforcement to keep improving. The communication was effective and I got positive feedback every time I made improvement or delivered my work. The most important thing is that the trust I build with my manager keeps me motivated and enjoying my job more. Admittedly, there were more wisdoms around career context, but my point is more about suspending your judgment and being willing to work out with the other person on a difficult situation.
Giving others the benefit of the doubt also helps in the relationship with your friends and significant other. And it is harder and often forgotten when we are with friends and family since we let ourselves emotionally involve more. It is harder also because we expect more from them. We often start accusing our loved ones when thing does not align with our expectation. Giving others the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean finding excuses for others to treat us in a way that we don’t like, it means bringing the person on board in an open and un-stressful atmosphere so that both of you want to work on it. It gives a chance for others to understand your needs and get closer regardless whether they are doing things intentionally or not. We are human and we are not perfect.
Be aware of the confirmation bias on previous experience
It is human nature that we want to avoid making same mistakes or hurtful feelings from past experience. A lot of times we react based on our knowledge we learned or experience that happened to us but not the current situation. As a result we could overreact based on things that seem normal to others or even things we project but yet happen, things like “he will show up late again”, “you will do the same thing to me again”, and “it will not go well since I have experienced this before”. Being aware of the bias due to the “curse of knowledge” helps us think positively. Instead of emphasizing the negative thoughts, tell yourself something like “he is trying to show up early”, “you are making change little by little” and “it is different this time, will see”. Also be mindful about the expectation, cause high expectation often leads to frustration. Assume people have good intention first and admit that we are human and we all have flaws.
One the other hand, admitting that most of people have this same bias helps us understand why people are frustrated so that we can avoid letting people down. Good communication in advance helps set up right expectation. For instance, give people early notice of being late with reason is crucial to get sympathy and understanding. In case you let someone else down for some reasons, don’t beat yourself up too hard. Be easy to yourself. Try to make a positive change and communicate well. Let others know that you do care and respect their time. We all have flaws, we make mistakes and we learn, that is how we grow as a person.
Don’t rely on others and blame others when you are feeling down
Emotion is beautiful thing that embellishes our lives. It is not bad thing as some people think. We feel alive since we have emotion. It is normal that we have fluctuation of emotion and we feel up and down sometimes. There are always some bad days and good days in our lives. How to deal with emotion matters. When we feel down, we naturally intend to seek support from others especially the loved ones. We want us to be understood and want others to fill the hole for us. It is nice that someone will always be there for you but most of the time, in reality, even there are such persons, people are different and they have their own struggles, thus might process and think things differently. Admittedly, it was once quite sad when I was told by my friend not to expect others too much when I sought for help. Basically my interpretation was that he was not there supporting me or he doesn’t want to. I became upset based on my interpretation. Consequently the negative sentiment grows which apparently didn’t help my negative mood.
No matter whether you have such support from others or not, the important thing is seeking the strength from your inner-self instead. It is about whether you want to become a stronger person and understand yourself better. The better approach to deal with bad mood is to distract yourself temporarily by doing things you like, for example, watching a nice movie or hanging out with friends without throwing your problems to others. For me, I found playing instruments is really cheerful and healing. I recently picked up a new hobby, Ukulele, which is very easy to learn and allows me enjoy music easily. After you switch your focus, you are more likely to have mental capacity to deal with problems. It is also about whether you are willing to be positive and pull yourself out of the swamp. The longer you let yourself stay in a bad mood, the harder you can get out of depression. You want to inject positive effect and energy by giving yourself the positive psychological hint and affirmation. It takes time and practice. Integrating the positive affirmation during meditation can improve the process severalfold.
Don’t react or made decisions when you are feeling down
We often react on our feelings, most of time, subconsciously. Being mindful of the reaction. Bringing consciousness and awareness to our reaction help us understand our feelings and react in positive way. Firstly, you can ask yourself why you have those feelings and what you need or what you can do to make it better. Then you can react based on your understanding of yourself. Moreover, it is not wise to make important decisions while you are in emotional waves, neither. You want to make a rational decision that you won’t regret.
In the end, it is life and and life is not easy. COVID-19 makes life harder for people with limited social activities. But it also brings a chance for people to take a closer look on their heart and mind. Have some sympathy for yourself and treat yourself kindly.
